different directions
by Lilias Peverell
Summary: Morganas thoughts on everything when she finds out Merlin is Emrys
1. Chapter 1 regret

Chapter 1 Regret

by Lilias Peverell

I regret many things along my dark path I tried to fly and fell down into a pit of despair and desperation literally as well as figuratively I do not regret many things uther's death, for instance, he was a tyrant worse than those he claimed were evil I know Merlin or emrys has regrets too but I choose not to forgive because than hate would leave me and I would float away with nothing to hold me down when I find out Merlin's true name tears threaten to overwhelm me but I will not cry I will not show weakness regret or remorse I manage to hold myself together till I reach my room as soon as I am inside the door though I collapse once or many times I had a chance for redemption and I didn't take it if I could go back I would change things but it is too late now no more second chances it is too late for me to change if I were to go back to Camelot I would be executed my only chance now is to go forward I am sorry Merlin, there is no other way, not this time I know what you meant all those years ago I can't help but wonder if you had told me of your magic would things be different indefinitely I think maybe if I think hard enough I regret how things went but it is almost over now I jumped from impossible heights and I can't get up and so I shall put on a face and hide behind a mask.

I regret nothing


	2. Chapter 2 betrayal

Chapter 2 Betrayal

By Lilias Peverell

How dare he how dare he not tell me of his magic he could have helped me instead he poisoned me and left me to die much makes sense now but so much is unclear and complicated why did he poison me morgause told me it was because he hated magic but that no longer makes sense why I wish I knew but he has betrayed his kind and he shall regret that just like he will regret poisoning me destroying my soul in the process breaking my heart a million times over I thought he loved me clearly I was wrong he is a betrayer he has ruined everything I have worked for I am so conflicted why why is all I need to know does Arthur know I doubt it Arthur is very like uther he thinks he is merciful yet he is not I have been betrayed over and over like when morgause said nothing would go wrong I cried that night I was forced to kill her no one saw me if they had it would have been the worst betrayal but no one saw so Merlin's betrayal remains a stain on my heart always there but I ignore it and go on I warn you if you cross me do not betray me you will regret it meanwhile my heart will shrivel up and break because Merlin's betrayal Brooke me both physically and mentally I trusted him once and somehow in a way

I still do.


	3. Chapter 3 hurt

Chapter 3 Hurt

By Lilias Peverell

Why did he not tell me he could have helped me I am not blaming him looking at how I turned out if I was ten years younger i wouldn't recognize myself I swear it ten years ago I thought I would end up Arthur's bride aghh the thought gives me shivers you know I wouldn't be surprised if uther did marry me to Arthur all things considering you keep the bloodline pure and all that rubbish more of uthers prejudice the only person I would have ever considered marrying was Merlin and me burned that lie in a fire and then covered it with more lies and deception I wonder what or who turned him so thoroughly against me was it gaius the traitor to magic I remember when Merlin drank poison for Arthur the first time I really saw him I visited him when he was ill I muttered words under his breath gaius ushered me away as soon as he said them he had a strange expression on his face I didn't recognize it then but now i realize it was fear that I hadn't experienced yet the words were of the old religion I know that now I really should have realized how I naive was I how many times did he do magic in front of me and I just didn't notice didn't realize when we talked in the crypts a small part of me registered that he must have magic memories rush around me all those times I think he was about to tell me but something held him back what though? I am tired of this war but my insanity pushes me on these feelings of betrayal and hurt just don't go away not now probably never I want to forget

I want it all to go away


	4. Chapter 4 AN will be deleted

I have lost interest in continuing this story but i will likely continue it within the next year no guarantees on hiatus

sorry

Lilias Peverell


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